Daughter-Youth
Sunday, March 10, 2013
After already suffering from depression and having thought about it a few times in the past few years I felt that it was the time to end all the problems at one go. Nobody knows me, and all the shit that I have to go trough at this age. All they knew was the happy side of me that I manage to play pretend all this while.
I've planned it a few times, but never manage to pull it trough. But that day I was devastated. It was at a multi storey car park far away from my area. Somehow I feel a need to be far away from my love ones. And that by the time somebody I knew find out about this news, I will be long gone. My death will not only end my problem but will be a life lesson for those who live to appreciate what they're having around them.
And so on that cold chilly night I climbed the parapet. I still remember vividly when one of my leg was dangling high above the ground. I tried to find a reason to take a step back, but instead all those good happy memories breaks me down even harder to see what I've become now. I tried to think about life, science, religion, school, but my mind were blank as if it has already made a decision to end even before the jump.
And so I look down and took a deep breath knowing that at that point of time I'm finally having success in doing something that I want to do. At the ground floor, I saw a family. A couple walking and in between them holding a little girl in their hands. A thousand thoughts and feelings rushed trough my heart and soul. The sight of them makes me ask myself, what happiness would my death bring to those who live? All my life I've dedicated my time and energy to make the people around me smile. Even when I'm down I've always put a smile on my face just to see them happy. Why destroy all this work and effort that I've put in and in a single event making everyone around me upset because of my death. And so I took a step back, and end up sitting at that car park deep in thoughts troughout the rest of the night.
That was roughly one month ago. I never appreciated my life, in fact everyone's life. And I knew my life shouldn't just end that way. Even for the fact that I'm suffering from a painful feeling in my heart and that this disease might eventually cause me to pass on in the near future, I'll rather make the best of my life and continue doing things that I wanna do and make everyone around me happy.
I'm only a human being. Full of mistakes I did in the pass. Full of flaws. I'm trying my best to come to terms with my rough youth and just let faith and destiny unrolled itself every new day. I thank that family I saw that day who without doing anything but still making a difference to my life. and that today I'm clinging on the moments that makes it all worthwhile.
Everyday is a battle. I have to continue fighting for this relationship. Giving my best and persevere. And even if I die along the way, or I live this kind of live till Im old, I won't regret the life that I live. Cause I know I've tried my best in defending something that I feel is right.
Syukur Alhamdullilah.
Well, I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette.
a lifeless face you'll soon forget.